crushkilldestroy (redelephant) wrote,
crushkilldestroy
redelephant

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Read only if you really care to learn about my fantastic trip to Idaho...

The following was written on paper while I was actually still IN Idaho...

The drive to Idaho I must say was amazingly breath taking. Miles and miles of open desert. Though I don't imagine it being that awe-inspiring the second time around. Before reaching the shit hole town of Ontario, OR you go through miles and miles several hundred-foot walls on each side, like going through some canyon on another planet. Splattered here and there through this canyon are tiny cities full of garbage and no more than 10 houses. Oddly all of these towns have names. Then you hit the concrete plant, located ironically on "Concrete Plant Road". Then you pass "the old concrete plant" the one that looks like something out of some post apocalyptic Mad Max-esque movie.

Then when you hit Ontario, you see perhaps the greatest site of all.... The Ore-Ida French-fried potato plant! Oh, I can die happily now that I have seen it all!

We accidentally took a wrong turn and ended up in downtown Boise, we figured out how to get back and decided we'd take out time and explore the mammoth city known as Boise (population about 190,000). I remember thinking "There is not ONE attractive person in Idaho). I WAS WRONG! At the gas station I saw a beautiful blonde haired girl in a Jetta. Then I looked at her license plate..."Nevada". Ok, that makes sense.

While visiting "Mountain Home" we stopped at a Burger King where I saw the only non-white person in all of Idaho...WIPING TABLES AT A BURGER KING LOCATED INSIDE A GAS STATION! I so love the state of Racism, Jesus Freaks and Potato-fucking.

Finally we reach our destination...the bustling metropolis known as "Hagerman" (population, 656. if they had just 10 more people it would've been much more fitting).

Father and I stop off at the local grocery store and pick up a couple six packs, seeing as how my uncle is the world's largest alcoholic, and we had to fit in. When we arrived no one was home but my grandmother. It was really nice to see her, I nearly wept (well, not really).

Finally, my aunt and uncle arrived and started loading the pickup for their big trip the next day (read: going to the dump on "free tire dump day"). So I gave them a hand and they hugged me and wouldn't shut up about how much bigger I was (read: I am 22 and they haven't seen me since I was 8-10. It happens).

We go inside and proceed to drink beers and shoot the shit. Me drinking my Budweiser, my dad hitting the Bud Light and them hitting the Milwaukee's Best Light (yes, I did mean to type LIGHT).

Butch proceeds to tell me stories I don't really care about regarding my parent's in the old days. The only one remotely interesting was once my dad sat next to this girl he knew and he was wasted at a party. And kept saying, "I LOVE YOU NANCY" (my mom's name) to her. My uncle informs us that girl is now dead. My dad seems morbidly pleased.

Then Uncle Butch (yes, this is his real name) passes the fuck out in mid sentence on the couch. But not before hugging me and kissing the top of my head. One down.

We continue to bullshit the night away then my dad and I go to sleep in the guestroom. The beds were rad, feather mattresses and shit. And to top it all off, the beds once belonged to a really old A list actress! Top quality. I felt like a princess!

We wake up the next morning and find someone has made coffee. Butch is still asleep on the couch, and my aunt Patty was at work. Must've been grandmother, but she is back in bed. So we drink coffee, and I knew what was in store for the day (driving around scenic southern Idaho) so I pour a little vodka into mine. "Sick" I think to myself as I chug it down anyway.

My grandmother wakes up, like a secret agent I put some vodka into a water bottle and shove it down my pants. We cram into my dad's pickup and drive down to the Snake River. Neat. Where the FUCK are the snakes?

We then start driving aimlessly east. I say "Hey, let's go to Twin Falls!" knowing it'll suck, but probably less than the population negative fifteen cities we're passing at the time.

Before even arriving in Twin Falls I realized "hey, I'm wrong! This place is going to suck balls!" which I noticed based on the many stands selling "Potato Ice Cream". I wonder if Walla Walla sells Onion Ice Cream.

It's full of nothing but Jesus-freaks, Potato-fucking and thrift stores. Don't get me wrong, but the thrift stores were all full of Jesus Memorabilia. Twin Falls is surely Jesus' Graceland.

My grandmother and my dad need to use the bathroom at this store "I will wait outside!" I say, trying hard not to snicker at my good fortune. "It's chuggin' time!"

Eventually they came out; I barely had time to get my buzz on. And it quickly faded. Oh well.

On the way back we visited the fish hatchery. And I had to show them both the many wonders of spending quarters to feed the fish and watch them go after it like fucking piranhas. The one bad thing is, this time I actually touched the fish food that comes out of the machines. The only thing I can think of to compare the smell to is it's like a prostitute shoving a rotten salmon up her snatch, leaving in there for days, and then taking it out, immediately following she shoves a pile of cat shit up in there, and then you finger fuck her with fingers you just took out of a skunk's asshole. Pretty picture, I know!
I am drunk now, let me tell you why...
We arrived home to no Butch and Patty, we decide to go to the local bar and look for them. Low and behold, they're there! We get a couple beers and shoot some pool. My dad easily beats me repeatedly. I decide he needs someone more his skill level and step down for a much more experience opponent for him. I order beer and after beer after beer (all for free, paid for by various people). I then am offered a teammate to play partners, some drunken half-retard, I reluctantly accepted his proposal. We play my dad and his once opponent now turned teammate. We get our asses kicked repeatedly. I tell the dumbass to get a new partner.

I hear a really stupid joke...

Q: What do you call a blind German?
A: Not See!

I feign laughter like a porn star faking an orgasm with a ten-inch dick up her ass.

I watch baseball and talk about life with Butch, who probably won't remember, and I probably won't really either. I talk about Darrel Kile, he looks confused, and I say "nevermind" and trail off on some other subject. My dad and I realized everyone was gone. We decide to follow. We get home and dinner is cold. Whoops, sorry Aunt Patty. It still was tasty as fuck, though.

NOW I AM SOBER

Time to leave, I awake to coffee and hugs from grandma and Butch.

We stop by Patty's work, a grocery store called "Stinker" (no, this isn't a joke). More hugs, etc.

I notice on the way to Boise where we planned on stopping for lunch the second gem of a billboard I'd seen that really sums up Idaho better than I can. The first being a "Highway Evangelism" billboard quoting scripture on a reader board, this one stating "HELP FIGHT TERRORISM. GET THE US OUT OF THE UN!" followed by a 1-888 number I am too slow to jot down for future amusement.

My dad and I stop off in Boise for breakfast, cute-ish waitress asks "Hey, do you like Built to Spill?". I look down at my shirt, "Shit, this shirt says 'Built to Spill' and 'Boise' on it! I am SUCH a dork!"

"Yeah", I replied.

"Don't you just love it during summer when they play in the park!", she ejaculated orally.

"I am from Portland...", I said almost sadly.

I didn't talk to her for awhile, until I realized I needed to use the restroom. I SWEAR there was a sign pointing toward the emergency exit that said "restrooms". I stood there looking puzzled.

"Looking for the restroom?", she asked while giggling.

"Yeah...", I replied while thinking I might as well have said "YEAH! I GOTTA SHIT LIKE AN ELEPHANT!".

I get back to the table and my dad uses the restroom, she comes and talks to me for awhile about Built to Spill. I haven't flirted in awhile, and I'll never see this girl again, so I lie my ass off.

Me: "I come to Boise like at least once a month, I love it!"
Her: "Next time you come visit we should hang out and listen to records"
Me: "Absolutely!"

And in summary...VOTE FOR BOB POWER FOR COMMISIONER OF TWIN FALLS COUNTY!
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